Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
