I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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