"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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