nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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