I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
