I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
