Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
