my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
