when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We're too hungover to prance.
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