Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
