No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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