Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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