I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
