Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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