just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
