is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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