i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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