did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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