I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
