Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
