This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
