i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You can't just leave with hair like that
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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