I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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