Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
