dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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