thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
