Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
