Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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