She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
