I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
