Life is so much better after having sex.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
