sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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