I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
