he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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