you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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