I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
