It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
