Yo dont text me then not text me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
