is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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