we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
