Your face is a jimmy john
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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