I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
