Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
