Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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