Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
