Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
