Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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