I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
