If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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