At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
