If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
