8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
