Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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