yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
