I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
