Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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